I’ve been up a lot of the night with Serenity, she’s just not feeling very good. I’m realizing that two and a half years is a really long time to keep this up. I’m angry at cancer and whatever caused this to happen to my little baby. I’m really pissed off that because of this stupid disease she is sitting here suffering in ways I cannot imagine.
As is usually the case, this isn’t the only thing going on in life right now. I wish I could make everything else just stop so I can deal with this and help her. Everything sucks right now and motivation to work on improving it is hard to find, I can’t even find motivation to go mow the stupid lawn. Not to mention all the crap I’ve got to deal with. I want to throw in the cards, give it all up and start over (but keep all my kids – and their health). Why didn’t I become an Oncologist so I was prepared and able to actually do something about this damn disease? Instead I’m just a stupid programmer that helps businesses do stuff better – how lame is that, what is the point in that? I look back and feel like my whole life has been useless and hasn’t helped anyone out – I’m 35 and only now becoming intimately aware of this disease and all the other people that have suffered from it.
How could I have lead such a trivial life? How could I have been so completely ignorant of such important things? It’s hard to consider much of anything to be of consequence at this point. It seems that life and our pursuits are really just a big joke.
If you take anything away from reading my blog, please, take this: In the blink of an eye, almost everything you think is important in life can become meaningless and stupid. If you aren’t in this position, be grateful, know that you are dearly blessed and pray it doesn’t happen to you. Be mindful of focussing too much on things that aren’t important – when it comes down to it, your family is all that really matters. Don’t be like me and require your child’s life to be at risk to realize it. The self-loathing, self-pity and self-judgement really isn’t worth it.
just sending some love and light your way. i cannot imagine what your family is going through, but i definitely have you all on my heart.
I hate that you guys have to go through this. I hate cancer so much it makes my whole body shake. Friggin’ cancer. It sucks. You have every right to be angry, though I know from experience that it will fade some with time. It just takes more energy you need to fight the beast.
Thinking of you and yours today.
Stumbled my way over here curtsy of Amanda over at The Wink…My heart is absolutely breaking for you and your family. My thoughts are prayers are with you all, sending you the strength you need to fight this!
Here from Amanda’s blog… Just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and your family. And angry? Oh, I’d be angry, too.
She’s a beautiful girl and I hope all the best for her.
Thanks so much for all the kind words and support, I’m doing much better today – just had a real lowpoint last night. Guess that’s the good thing about hitting bottom – up is the only way left to go. 🙂
Praying for you, your family, and Serenity… I found my way to your site tonight and will continue to check in.