I know all about the stages of grief, yet somehow I expected some of them to pass me by. What point is there in bargaining, or denial, or getting angry?
This morning a neighbor took the younger kids for a few hours to play, and I spent some time downloading photos to my laptop. It was a bad idea, because seeing all the photographs has allowed me to be really angry. I look at our faces when life was normal, when no one had cancer, and when my biggest worry was how to keep my kids from bickering. And I wonder why didn’t we appreciate it just a little bit more? And I wonder why did this happen to us? And I wonder whether we will ever feel like regular people again.
I think that life will always be divided into Before and After. Before I felt so overwhelmed, so helpless & frustrated. And I wondered when life would be full of joy and not trials. I never dreamed we would learn the language of cancer and chemotherapy. I worried about how to pay the water bill; I didn’t worry that one of my children would die.
When I look at those pictures from the past few years, I’m really angry that I had no sense of what life had in store for us.
I went through an experience and experienced the stages of grief also. At first I thought I had bypassed anger. Like you, I knew there was no point to it, and I figured that maybe because I had the knowledge of the gospel, I was freed from feeling anger and was able to focus on forgiveness instead (this doesn’t apply to your case). But the anger came anyway, much later than I expected.
I know it’s not what you want to hear but this is very typical and NORMAL. While our stories are different (my daughter was born with complex heart defects) – the pain is the same. And the grief of what should have been is the same.
I will tell you that as you go through it, it will get easier. Some days will be hell and others will be ok. And then one day you realize that you have found another type of “normal”.
Read this: http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html – it is a short story (poem, whatever) was written by a woman who found out her newborn child had Downs. It’s not the same as cancer and it’s not the same as a heart defect but the pain and mourning is identical.
Life will get better. It’s hard to imagine while you’re where you are now but it will. We’re 4 years post diagnosis (at 20 weeks pregnancy) and past the 3 heart surgeries and a stomach surgery, etc and life is amazing. You appreciate things SO much more.
I’m rambling so I’ll quit but I want you to know you’re not alone and it’s all normal and we’re all praying for your beautiful little girl. I’m sorry she has to make this journey but I have faith that God has some sort of plan and we’re just along for the ride.
God bless you all.
Just want you to know that God has really burdened me for your family and I’m keeping all of you in my prayers. I can’t fathom what you’re going through. You’ve caused me to hug my kids even harder.
Adria,
You and Phil (and your children) have every right to be angry! Cancer is a terrible disease that is hard for anyone to suffer with or watch a loved one suffer with – it is even more heartbreaking with cancer has invaded a child, YOUR child. Your family is in my prayers daily and I check your blog most every day to see how Serenity, you and Phil are doing. You don’t know me personally, as I stumbled onto your blog, but your situation weighs on me heavily as I am a new mother and cannot fathom the pain you all are going through. I will continue to pray for you all – that God will strengthen and comfort Serenity, you and Phil and that He will take all of Serenity’s cancer away. God bless!