I intended to only blog at Serenity’s site but I thought I’d blog here about being an emotional wreck.
Up until now I’ve been ok. A few moments of near hysteria, but overall I haven’t felt quite as sad as I thought I ought to be. In fact, when my friend Amanda offered to let me cry on her shoulder I told her I was hopeful that all the doom and gloom would pass me by, as I was feeling so positive. She kindly refrained from laughing at me.
Of course I spoke too soon because today was a whole different story. I think it started when the social worker came in and told me for the umpteenth time about how life will never ever be the same. It wasn’t anything I haven’t heard already a dozen times in the past few days, but this time it really started to sink in, the idea that when my child runs a fever, we’ll be at the hospital. That if she falls and gets a bloody nose, we’ll be at the hospital. That we will miss church regularly to keep her immune system safe, that things like going to McDonald’s play place are a thing of the past. (And for the record, I do think McDonald’s play place is kind of gross, but it’s saved my sanity many a day.)
After hearing all this and trying not to let the smile plastered on my face falter, I started to panic about my upcoming drive home to get some paperwork I needed. I wanted to delegate the task to someone else and avoid the 3 hour round trip altogether, but since I didn’t know where the paperwork was I knew I needed to go myself and hunt for it.
Before I was even out the door of the hospital I was feeling anxious and wanted to turn around. It took me a few minutes to find the car in the parking garage and I was a nervous wreck heading out on to the road. I honestly didn’t think I could make the drive, but I didn’t know who I could ask to drive me. I called Phil a few times from the freeway in tears and he reassured me that Serenity was fine and that if anything happened he would let me know.
I made it home & looked all over for the papers but couldn’t find them anywhere. The file I thought they were in was empty so it was a wasted trip. (And I still need to track down the important paperwork!) I wanted to take a shower at home but I’d forgotten that the hot water heater was turned off (because it leaks), so I turned around having wasted the whole afternoon and headed back.
Anyway, all around an emotionally & physically draining day. Then this evening Serenity reacted again to her antibiotic & threw up twice. I am starting to dread the meds routine as much as she is.